you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
