she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
