my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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