idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
