my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
