Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
