My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
