I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
