I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Pants are for mortals
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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