I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
