we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
