I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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