apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
