i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
