Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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