So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
only you would photoshop your dick
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
