I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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