Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
