Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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