I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
