No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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