Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
