I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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