Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we should paint friendship bongs
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
