And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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