If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like death gave me a hand job
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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