you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
