We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
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I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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