last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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