So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wish there were birth control emojis
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
