I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
