soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
