What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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