I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
