I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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