I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Randomize