I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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