weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
