This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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