is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
