Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
