So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
