Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
