I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
