Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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