I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
