dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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