Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
