Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
