I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
