the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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