Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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