The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
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Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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