He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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