I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The power of my boobs compel you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
