I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
where does the pee come out of this thing
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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